Everyone's a Cunt. Especially on the Road.

Last week, I had to drive into the city.

I don’t usually go into the city, so I don’t drive on autopilot. I have a heighted sense of awareness.

I see everything.

Within about ten minutes, I was reminded exactly why we called our book Everyone's a Cunt.

Because if you ever need proof that the world is absolutely full of them, get behind the wheel of a car.

They're everywhere.

And apparently, they all decided to go for a drive at the same fucking time.

The Slow Cunt

Let's start with the obvious one.

The Slow Cunt.

You know the type. Driving 20km under the speed limit, completely oblivious to the growing convoy of frustrated drivers behind them.

There's a perfectly good left lane, but no. They've decided the right lane is where they belong.

Not overtaking anyone. Not turning right. Just cruising along like they've got absolutely nowhere to be.

Which is lovely for them.

SOME OF US HAVE FUCKING PLACES TO GO.

And the best part? When you finally get an opportunity to overtake, they suddenly discover the accelerator.

Where the fuck was that enthusiasm five minutes ago?

The Over-Width Cunt

Now I understand, and fully appreciate, that large loads need to be moved from A to B.

But do they really need to make their move in peak hour?

There's nothing quite like joining the freeway, already running late, only to discover you're now travelling behind half a fucking house.

The Indecisive Cunt

Ah yes. The Indecisive Cunt.

Left lane? Right lane? Turn here? Maybe the next one?

Who fucking knows?

Certainly not them.

The Can't-Drive-in-the-Rain Cunt

This one deserves its own chapter.

The moment three drops of rain hit the windscreen, a significant percentage of the population apparently forgets everything they've ever learned about driving.

Suddenly we're doing 40 in an 80 zone.

Brake lights everywhere.

Panic.

Confusion.

Complete fucking chaos.

Yes, wet roads require extra care. Nobody's suggesting you drive like a lunatic.

The Bonus Cunts

And just when you think you've identified every possible species, a few more appear.

The No-Indicator Cunt. Apparently purchased a car without the optional indicator package. Everyone else is expected to read their fucking mind.

The Tailgating Cunt. So close behind you they could probably tell you when your next service is due.

The Phone Cunt. Sitting at a green light, completely absorbed in something apparently more important than the 15 cars waiting behind them.

The Last-Minute Merge Cunt. Had two kilometres to move over but decided the perfect time was three metres before the exit.

Which brings me to a slightly uncomfortable realisation.

Maybe I'm a Cunt Too.

Because somewhere between the Slow Cunt, the Over-Width Cunt and the Indecisive Cunt, I realised something.

I'd spent the entire drive identifying cunts.

Categorising cunts.

Judging cunts.

And getting progressively more pissed off at cunts.

Which probably makes me an Angry Cunt.

But here's the thing.

Everyone's a Cunt.

Especially on the road.

And if you made it all the way into the city without calling someone a cunt...

You probably were the Slow Cunt.

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