Nominate a Cunt: Because Some People Deserve a Certificate

Some people collect qualifications.

Some collect frequent flyer points.

Some collect screenshots of arguments they absolutely intend to win later.

And some people have spent years quietly earning the title of cunt.

Until now, there hasn't been a proper way to recognise them. There is now.

Welcome to the Department of Cunt Affairs

Our new Nominate a Cunt feature gives you the opportunity to formally put someone forward for recognition and generate their very own official Cunt Certificate.

Because nothing makes a nomination feel more legitimate than unnecessary Centrelink style paperwork.

The process is simple. Name the cunt. Choose their cunt type. Then provide up to 280 characters of evidence. That's it.

No character references. No selection committee. No appeals tribunal.

Just your version of events.

But what makes someone a cunt?

This is where things get interesting. Because the word has range.

There's the mate who says he's “five minutes away” while still sitting on the couch.

The colleague who sends an email at 4:58pm marked URGENT.

The bloke who conveniently forgets his wallet every time the bill arrives.

The person who parks across two bays because apparently their car needs emotional support.

We've all met them.

But then there's the other kind.

The mate who drives across town at midnight because your car has broken down.

The friend who quietly pays for dinner because they know you're doing it tough.

The person who remembers your kid's birthday.

The one who brings an extra carton because they know someone will inevitably say, “Did anyone bring more?”

The mate who tells you when you're making a dickhead of yourself, then sticks around anyway.

That's a different sort of cunt. A good one.

The evidence matters

The nomination form gives you 280 characters. Use them wisely.

“Dave's a good cunt” is lovely, but it doesn't exactly build a case.

“Dave drove two hours to pick me up after my car died, refused petrol money and still stopped for a servo pie on the way home.”

Now we're talking.

Likewise:

“Hasn't shouted a round since 2011 and somehow always disappears when someone says, ‘Who's getting the next one?’”

Strong evidence.

Specific incidents are better than sweeping statements.

Everyone knows someone who's a cunt.

The fun is explaining why.

There are no hard and fast rules

You might nominate your best mate. Your brother. Your sister. Your partner. Your boss. Your neighbour. The bloke from the footy club.

The woman at work who somehow keeps the entire office functioning while everyone else is “just quickly jumping on a call”.

You might even nominate someone because they did one small thing that stuck with you.

They gave you a lift. They shouted lunch. They checked in. They made everyone laugh when you needed it. They let you merge in traffic. They gave you the last chip.

Let's be honest, sometimes that's enough.

And sometimes the evidence is damning

There are people who don't need a character reference.

Their history speaks for itself.

The friend who is always late but somehow gets annoyed when you're late.

The person who says “I don't want to make a big deal of it” before making a very big deal of it.

The mate who borrows your tools and returns them in a condition suggesting they have been used in an underground mining operation.

The person who starts a story with “I'm not naming names” and then names the person, workplace, suburb and approximate time of birth.

These are the moments that make a nomination worthwhile.

What happens next?

You submit the nomination and the certificate is generated live.

No waiting for approval. No mysterious panel deliberating behind closed doors. No envelope arriving three weeks later. You get the certificate.

Then comes the fun part.

Share it. Send it to them. Drop it into the group chat. Tag them. Send it to the family. Keep it in your phone for future negotiations.

Because once someone has received an official Cunt Certificate, there's no putting that genie back in the bottle.

It's not necessarily a bad thing

That's the beauty of the word.

A person can be a magnificent cunt. A generous cunt. A funny cunt. A loyal cunt. An annoying cunt. Sometimes all before lunch.

It's not about creating a scientific classification system for human beings.

It's about recognising the behaviour that makes someone unmistakably themselves.

And occasionally giving them a certificate for it.

Who's earned yours?

Think about the people in your life.

The one who always comes through. The one who always makes everyone laugh. The one who somehow manages to be late to their own birthday.

The one who never brings anything to the BBQ but leaves with leftovers. The one you'd call at 2am. The one you'd never lend your car to.

You probably already know who deserves the paperwork.

Head to Nominate a Cunt, fill out the form and make it official.

Because some people deserve a thank you.

Some deserve a kick up the arse.

And some deserve an official Cunt Certificate.