31 July 20266 Good Cunts4 min read
The 20 Types of Cunts You Meet at Every Australian Pub
There are many things Australia has given the world.
Beautiful beaches. Amazing sporting talent. The humble meat pie.
And one of the greatest social inventions ever created:
The Australian pub.
The pub isn’t just somewhere you go for a drink. It’s where friendships are built. Arguments are started. Stories are exaggerated.
And every person in Australia eventually reveals exactly what type of cunt they are.
Because every pub has a cast. The characters might change. The suburb might change. The beer prices might change.
But the people?
The people are exactly the same.
After extensive research involving thousands of hours of observation, questionable decision making and conversations that began with “one quick beer”, we have identified the official Australian pub personality guide.
1. The Local Legend Cunt
The king of the pub.
Everyone knows them.
They don’t need to introduce themselves.
They walk in and five people yell “Oi!”
They know the staff. They know the regulars. They know which tap is playing up. They probably have a chair that is unofficially theirs.
They’re not famous.
But inside that pub? They’re royalty.
2. The One Quick Beer Cunt
The biggest liar in Australian history.
They arrive at 5pm and confidently announce:
“Just having one.”
Everyone knows. Nobody believes them.
Three hours later they’re explaining why tomorrow’s problems are actually tomorrow’s problem.
3. The Storyteller Cunt
A national treasure. They have a story for everything.
The only issue?
The story improves every time they tell it. A fishing trip becomes a survival mission. A small disagreement becomes a heroic battle. A minor inconvenience becomes a documentary.
Nobody cares if it’s true.
Because it’s bloody entertaining.
4. The Sports Cunt
Their emotional wellbeing depends entirely on a team they do not play for.
They know every statistic. Every player. Every injury.
Every decision the coach has ever made.
They have personally solved professional sport.
Usually from a bar stool.
5. The Betting Cunt
Has an opinion on everything.
Horse racing. Football. Weather patterns. A bloke they met once.
They always have “a sure thing”.
The only thing guaranteed?
It usually isn’t.
6. The Birthday Cunt
The person who turns a quiet drink into an event.
They arrive saying:
“Just keeping it low-key.”
Within an hour:
- Everyone knows their life story
- Someone has bought a round
- There’s a group photo
- Nobody knows how they got involved
7. The Mate Who Knows Everyone Cunt
An impressive species.
They cannot walk ten metres through a pub without stopping.
“Oi mate!” “Mate!” “Good to see you!”
You eventually realise:
They don’t actually have friends.
They have an entire network.
8. The Philosopher Cunt
Usually appears after several drinks.
Suddenly everything becomes deep.
They start discussing:
- Life
- Relationships
- Politics
- The meaning of happiness
Five minutes later they’re eating chips and laughing at toilet humour.
9. The Karaoke Cunt
Confidence level:
100%.
Talent level:
Debatable.
They don’t care.
They believe every person in the pub came specifically to hear them perform.
Usually they are wrong.
Usually everyone loves it anyway.
10. The Pub Comedian Cunt
Every group has one.
Their job:
Make everyone laugh.
Their challenge:
Knowing when to stop.
They have 400 jokes.
Unfortunately, everyone has heard 397 of them.
11. The Tradie Cunt
Recognisable by:
- Work boots
- A loud opinion
- A strong handshake
- Knowledge of every renovation disaster
They can fix anything.
Except probably their own house.
12. The Quiet Cunt
Says almost nothing.
Observes everything.
Then delivers one perfectly timed comment that destroys everyone.
Never underestimate the quiet cunt.
They’re usually the funniest person there.
13. The New Regular Cunt
A fascinating transformation.
Week one:
“I’m just checking the place out.”
Month three:
“They know my order.”
Year two:
“They’ve got my seat.”
The pub has adopted them.
14. The Generous Cunt
The hero.
The legend.
The person who says:
“Don’t worry, I’ll grab this one.”
Everyone loves this person.
Everyone hopes this person is having a good week.
15. The Debate Cunt
They don’t argue.
They “discuss”.
Everything becomes a conversation.
Politics. Sport. Food. The correct way to load a dishwasher.
They have never lost an argument.
According to them.
16. The Couple Who Owns The Corner Cunt
Every pub has them.
Same table.
Same drinks.
Same routine.
They have basically become furniture.
17. The Disaster Cunt
Things happen around this person.
Spills.
Stories.
Accidents.
Confusion.
They’re exhausting.
But somehow always involved in the funniest memories.
18. The Former Legend Cunt
The person who begins every story with:
“Back in my day…”
They were apparently:
- Faster
- Stronger
- Funnier
- Better at everything
According to them.
19. The Hospitality Cunt
The person who becomes best friends with the bartender.
They know everyone working.
They know the specials.
They know what’s coming out of the kitchen.
They basically have unofficial employment.
20. The Good Cunt
The reason pubs matter.
The person who:
- Checks everyone gets home
- Buys a round
- Includes new people
- Makes everyone laugh
- Looks after their mates
Every pub needs one.
Most groups are lucky enough to have several.
Why Australian Pubs Are Different
The Australian pub is one of the last places where everyone mixes.
Different jobs. Different ages. Different backgrounds. Everyone sits together.
And everyone gets judged by the same criteria:
Are you good company?
Can you have a laugh?
Will you look after your mates?
That’s the unofficial Australian test.
Everyone’s a Cunt by Six Good Cunts
The reason Everyone’s a Cunt by Six Good Cunts exists is because Australians have always understood one thing:
People are ridiculous.
And that’s what makes them great.
The book celebrates every character you meet:
The legends.
The weirdos.
The heroes.
The absolute disasters.
The people who make life interesting.
It’s the coffee table book designed to start conversations, settle debates and expose exactly what your mates really think.
Perfect for:
- Birthday presents
- Christmas gifts
- Secret Santa
- Father’s Day
- Corporate gifting
- The mate who is impossible to buy for
Because everyone has a type.
And everyone knows someone who needs this book.