The Ultimate Australian Workplace Cunt Hierarchy: From The Boss Cunt to The Useless Cunt

Every Australian workplace has a food chain.

Forget organisational charts. Forget HR manuals. Forget whatever motivational poster is hanging in the lunchroom pretending everyone is “one team”.

Because every workplace has its own unofficial hierarchy.

It’s not based on job titles. It’s not based on salary. It’s based on something much more important:

How much of a cunt you are.

Every office, workshop, mine site, warehouse and retail shop has the same characters.

The legends. The workers. The talkers.

The mysterious people who somehow survive despite doing absolutely nothing.

After years of research conducted through Monday morning meetings, Friday afternoon beers and watching people avoid responsibility, we have identified the official Australian workplace cunt hierarchy.

1. The Boss Cunt

Not the boss. The Boss Cunt. There’s a difference.

A boss gives instructions.

A Boss Cunt leads.

They’re the person who:

Takes responsibility when things go wrong; Gives credit when things go right; Protects their team; and Doesn’t act like their job title makes them royalty.

You know you have a Boss Cunt when people say:

“I’d work anywhere with that person.”

They’re rare.

Because being in charge is easy.

Looking after people is the hard part.

2. The Good Cunt Employee

The backbone of every business. They don’t need attention. They don’t need constant praise. They simply get shit done.

The Good Cunt Employee:

• Turns up
• Helps others
• Solves problems
• Doesn’t create drama
• Actually reads the email before replying

Every workplace has one.

And every manager knows:

“If they leave, we’re in trouble.”

3. The Fix-It Cunt

Every workplace has a person who knows everything.

Need something repaired? They know how.

Need a supplier recommendation? They know someone.

Need a workaround for a ridiculous process? They’ve already created one.

Their official title might be something boring.

But unofficially?

They’re the workplace emergency department.

4. The Quiet Cunt

Possibly the most underrated employee.

They don’t talk much. They don’t dominate meetings. They don’t send inspirational LinkedIn posts every Tuesday morning. They just quietly destroy their workload.

Then someone eventually notices:

“Hang on. How did they get all that done?”

Because while everyone else was discussing productivity…

The Quiet Cunt was productive.

5. The Meeting Cunt

A dangerous species.

The Meeting Cunt believes every problem can be solved by creating another meeting.

Problem:

“We need to discuss this.”

Solution:

“Let’s schedule a meeting.”

Outcome:

A meeting about why there are too many meetings.

They have calendars that look like air traffic control.

6. The Email Cunt

The Email Cunt has one special talent:

Turning a two minute conversation into a 47 paragraph email.

They use phrases like:

“Just circling back.”

“Please see below.”

“As per my previous email.”

Nobody knows how many hours they spend writing emails.

But everyone knows it’s a lot.

7. The Corporate Cunt

Every workplace has someone who has discovered corporate buzzwords.

They don’t solve problems.

They “leverage opportunities.”

They don’t have discussions.

They “circle back offline.”

They don’t make decisions.

They “take this away and workshop it.”

Nobody knows what they actually do. But they’re always busy.

8. The Lunch Thief Cunt

A criminal. Possibly worse than stealing money. They steal lunches.

You carefully prepare your meal. Label it. Put it in the fridge. Return later.

Gone. No explanation. No apology.

Just an empty container sitting there like evidence from a crime scene.

9. The Clock-Watching Cunt

Arrives at: 8:59am.

Leaves at: 4:59pm.

Has mastered the art of doing exactly enough to avoid questions.

They know every workplace rule. They know every entitlement. They know every shortcut.

Unfortunately, they know nothing about helping anyone else.

10. The Gossip Cunt

The unofficial workplace news service.

They know:

• Who resigned
• Who is unhappy
• Who got promoted
• Who made a mistake

Sometimes their information is accurate. Sometimes it is completely cooked.

But one thing is guaranteed:

They know everything before management does.

11. The Safety Cunt

Important clarification:

This one is usually a good thing.

Every workplace needs someone who says:

“Hang on, is that actually safe?”

They might annoy people occasionally. They might stop the job. But years later everyone appreciates them.

Because going home safe matters more than getting the job done five minutes faster.

12. The Useless Cunt

The final boss.

Every workplace has one. They somehow survive. Nobody knows how.

Their greatest achievements include:

• Losing things that cannot be lost
• Asking questions answered in the previous email
• Making simple tasks complicated
• Creating work for everyone else

The amazing thing?

They’re often completely unaware.

They’re not lazy.

They’re just operating on a different frequency.

The Workplace Truth

The funniest thing about workplaces is that the job itself is rarely what people remember.

People remember the characters.

The bloke who made everyone laugh. The person who always helped. The ridiculous meetings. The inside jokes. The moments nobody planned.

Because workplaces aren’t really built around processes.

They’re built around people. And people are weird. Especially Australian people.

Everyone’s a Cunt by 6 Good Cunts

This is exactly why Everyone’s a Cunt by 6 Good Cunts exists.

Because every workplace has characters worth celebrating.

The legends. The weirdos. The heroes. The absolute disasters.

The people who make Monday mornings slightly less painful.

It’s not just a book.

It’s a personality test disguised as a coffee table book.

Perfect for: Office Secret Santa, team gifts, corporate events, Christmas presents, the colleague who needs a laugh, and the workplace where everyone knows everyone’s category already.

Because somewhere in your workplace right now…

There is a Good Cunt.

There is a Dangerous Cunt.

There is definitely an Email Cunt.

And if you can’t identify who it is…

There’s a chance it’s you.